About Claire’s Character
The more I think about Claire’s character the more I realize she should be an Oriental chick. I mean in her origins, she should speak English and all, but maybe her father was a Jap or something, so she has those killa slanted eyes. That might make her beautiful, but we can ugly her up with special effects.
To be honest I’m thinking of the waitress in this café where I sometimes write. She is really hot. Maybe I can just give her the role.
To be honest I have. I promised it to her. She still won’t date me. Cunt.
Anyway, What you gonna do.
So I’ve been observing dogs to get the feeling of what sort of deep changes Claire would undergo once she becomes a dog. It is really hard to adopt myself to the psyche of a female protagonist, let alone a female dog protagonist. But I do think I thrive under pressure. For example, when I was going to invite this waitress out, the moment before I spoke I was struck with a brilliant opening line and I said: “Hey, how about a refill of Sake?” And I meant for it to sound really Orientalish, nice accent and all so she knows I’m cool and possibly well educated or a thorough drunk, but I think it came out sounding sort of dirty, like: sakeyyyy. Rrrrr. You and me babe. I didn’t say that. Or did I? But she just said sure, and went and got me a Sake. Apparently it’s on the menu. Go figure. Then she refused the part and the date. Cunt.
So strike that idea. She’s not Oriental, she’s ugly again. And a dog. Are there any Oriental dogs? Little Bonsai puppies perhaps? I once got an email with a picture of a kitten in a bottle or something. You just know that shit is Asian. Maybe she becomes a dog in a bottle. How innovative is that, huh?
Anyway, I’m getting off the topic. Claire’s character. I’ll just brainstorm here with different female character traits, see how it goes:
Possessive
Whining
Sexually dysfunctional
Needy
Sensitive
Humorless
Creative
Nipples
Manipulative
Bossy
Sounds like a classic Meryl Streep to me. Though she is a little too old for the part. And you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Ha ha. I will have to study some more, see which of the above applies to dogs as well as women who look like dogs or become them. Enough for now.
Peace love and understatement.
The Pitch
I had a very successful pitch yesterday. I wore my best suit and went to visit my grandma. I explained to her the premise of my screenplay. She was very impressed. Had to scream most of it though, and avoid going into finer details as she is quite deaf and possibly demented. In any case, she promised, in writing, to finance production to the extent of her ability, estimated at roughly 255 dollars US. Yes! So I celebrated with an afternoon beer. I tried to offer shares in future merchandize rights instead of cash, but the guy was sort of old fashioned. Came out to find my car had been towed. If I get there tomorrow it should cost about 240 bucks to get it back, if it hasn’t changed past month, so I more or less break even. Minor setback to production, truth, but I was born an optimist, and I do not let life flush my spirit with shit. Went over to mom for some chow, she was at work so I helped myself to meatloaf and some spare change from the bowl. 3 Dollars and 75 Cents, minus travel expenses to get back home, leaves me with some production bubble gum finance. That’s A-OK with me. A man’s gotta chew what a man’s gotta chew. Went home and wrote some, did Claire’s monologue when she discovers she’s a dog, delivered in voice over while standing in front of the mirror. Here is an excerpt:
CLAIRE
Shit! Fuck me blue! Not cool! Totally not cool! I can’t be a dog. This isn’t happening. I have to go to work. I have a career. I don’t want to roll over and fetch sticks. I was meant for better things. Better than laying around and licking my own genitals all day! Well slightly better. Can I really do that? (she tries and succeeds) Kinda cool. Strange, rolling in Fertilizer and sniffing dog butt does suddenly have this strange allure. Oh my God! I’m really becoming a dog! This so sucks!Who will marry me now? What will I tell mom? And what is that smell? Is that coming from my mouth? Jesus-shaped-lollipop, I do think it is! Fuck me blue!
I am pleased with the way Claire’s character is turning out. It has some class, a sort of Altmanish feel to it. I’m thinking maybe Meryl Streep or Gwenith Palletro. For the Cocker Spaniel – maybe Bruce Willis or Denzel Washington, depending on whether the character turns out to be a sort of cool and cynic alpha male sort of dog, or an Afro American dog. Or maybe if the lead female is hot I’ll play the Cocker Spaniel. Ooh, idea: he can be a sort of sleazy dog, catch phrase: “Are you into Cock-er what?”
So I’ll be in touch, let you know how it’s cookin’ up.
Cheers.
The Premise
I am currently working on a screenplay for a feature film. Here is the premise: a female executive named Claire, 34 years old and hopelessly single, wakes up one morning to find out she has become a dog. This will serve as the main metaphor for the film, as it alludes to the notion, held by anyone who knows her, that she is a bitch. Also this will resonate to a co-worker calling her behind her back a dog in the prologue, referring to her looks, which are, aesthetically speaking, less than satisfactory to her or her co-workers. So, she goes to work, quite upset of course. Her co-workers make fun of her, make her beg for bits of their lunch and try to sniff her butt. She feels horrible. So, plot A will deal with her trying to come to terms with being a dog in a society that accepts only humans at executive positions, and of course trying to reverse the situation, learning valuable lessons along the way. And plot B will be a love story between Claire and a Cocker Spaniel named Barf, which will rouse some tension around issues of inter-racial love stories and the price of true love. Of course, eventually love beats all, and when she turns back into a human with the help of an Afro-American Reiki master, she adopts the Cocker Spaniel, much to the disapproval of the dog’s previous owner. They have no other option but to elope and live happily ever after in the only place that accepts the freaky disgusting perverts they have become: Europe. The end.
So, you might not have noticed ’cause I made it seem kinda seamless, but there are some plot issues I have yet to resolve. For instance: why has Claire become a dog? Is it because of some spell cast on her by Danni De-Vito (played by himself hopefully)? Or a genetic mutation perhaps, the tragic result of a failed lab experiment, like the one that made the Hulk or George Bush. Or perhaps it just remains unexplained, sort of a power of nature, a thing that just happens, like rain, or farting. Also, what sort of character should Claire be? Of course, it is stated she is not pretty, but is she unpretty in a boyish sort of Ellen DeGeneres way, or in a big boobs sort of way, like John Goodman? Or perhaps she really is a freak, like a Hermaphrodite or maybe one breast sort of hangs lower than the other, thus suggesting an asymmetry of the soul and alluding to a self esteem issue, which has made her the begrudging whining workaholic ball-busting-shemale that she has become. I don’t know, I really don’t, and I would appreciate any ideas on the matter that any of you out there might have.
So feel free to state your two cents on the matter, though for legal reasons I must state that I will not be sharing profits from this or any other screenplay contemplated here, even if your ideas turn out to be much better than mine and contribute towards more than 50 percent of the end product. Even then. And remember, this feature film is totally copyrighted by me, so it would really suck cock if anyone tried to steal my ideas and make them into a Hollywood blockbuster, in which case I will totally have to come after you and punch you in the goddamn scrotum.
Cheers.
