I effin hate the holidays
And I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause my mother sits and drinks shit cheap alcohol and curses both her ex husbands and when she gets drunk she shouts obscenities at Santa and his fuckin little queer elves (her words, personally I do not care which way they are sexually inclined), and my sister bitches about not having a boyfriend cause she scares them all away with her hairy upper lip and beer belly and my uncle sulks in the corner talking about different antidepressants and what happens to your intestines when you eat red meat, and my grandmother sits at the head of the table and shouts atonal variations of Christmas carols (on fridays too. She’s very festive.) and there aint no turkey on Thanksgiving, there’s canned beef or shit, and there aint no jingle jingle ho fuckin ho, and if in the morning you find a sock hanging on a plant the one thing you do NOT want to do is stick your hand in it, and you’d better check ’cause your mother might be sprawled underneath it, naked and snoring, with a random man who usually smells like peanuts and urin. Shit, for all I know he might be Santa.
Jump Santa, jump
So no, I don’t like the holidays, they remind me how fucked up America really is and how the whole month of December is a fucking double depresso with no sugar, except when you’re 6 and your father is Jewish so the Hanukkah candles burn the Christmas tree along with the living room and a dog nobody liked we always suspected started the fire to commit suicide. That’s a merry Christmas, motherfucka.
Ho Ho Heil Hitler Everybody! (and Mrs. Claus is thinking: was his butt always that big? and why won't he bone me by the fireplace like he used to instead of playing with his Goddamn Easter Eggs all day?)
Oh, and if I see Santa in a mall I’ll punch him in the goddamn scrotum.
I know someone who could sure use a Christmas carol!
Merry Christmas!
I could use some semi-automatics if you’ve got any.
If you want to get a perspective on things, give Ramadan a try. I think you’ll be running back to Santa after a day and a half.
Who is Ramadan?
I’m not gay.
Beef comes in a can?
I was gonna just leave it at that, which might have been funny (to me) but then I thought that would be insensitive.
Cheer up, Josh Almighty. Holidays will be over before you know it. Here’s a hug. (@) <—the @ sign is your head from a birdseye view.
Not only does it come in a can, you can order it online and never go hungry or happy again:
http://www.mredepot.com/servlet/the-241/Yoders-Canned-Can-Beef/Detail
Thanks for the hug. I like the way you squished my head between your boobs there. Feels comforting.
Holidays are indeed annoying.
I don’t know this for a fact but I can imagine suicide rates go sky high every holiday season. I think that it is mainly because people can’t stand having every other person they meet wish them happy holidays, and then get offended if you don’t wish it upon them as well…
Happy holidays to you too Josh!
Well in my family murder rates might go up by as much as 20% these holidays.
Which is a lot, considering murder rate in our family is already pretty high. One in six relatives of mine gets killed annually by another family member.
I think we might be related.
Well I don’t know you, so maybe you’re of the FB’s in Minnesota?
Though you might not know you are an FB. It stands for Fucking Bourgeois. They’re semi-related to us via mutual hate.
But maybe you were being metaphorical.
To make the holidays more fun, you should start a family death pool. With that high murder rate, I think you could get a lot of cash in on this. I hope your mom survives the next few years though. She sounds the most entertaining with all that yelling at the queer elves and all.
In my family there is no point in hoping for a clean death pool. Even James Gandolfini would be like: Screw this shit, I’ll stick to garbage disposal.
I confirm. All above told the truth. Let’s discuss this question.
Hooray for the truth!