Executive Luncheon

I was having lunch the other day with some studio executives and I tried to push my screenplay just a little. I was trying to be real subtle with it, honestly, seeing as I was not officially invited to the event, which from what I could gather had to do with one or another financial success regarding some flick. It wasn’t really a proper lunch, just some snacks and wine and cheese and shit, but if it’s free it tastes like lunch to me.

So I managed to sneak past security on the second attempt .First I usually try to act as if I see someone I know, like if it’s MGM I’ll go “Samuel!” and raise my hand with a smile and just waltz in, not noticing the two bullies who should look puzzled and hesitant and decide to ignore me, which unfortunately never happens, mostly I get kicked in the butt. But there’s usually a breach in security somewhere to be found. I’m good at that. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

So I managed to squeeze in and headed straight for the buffet. These are the only chances I get to drink anything that costs more than five dollars, so I go at the wine like a mofo. Then I pinpoint anyone who looks like an important executive, I usually guess by the suit and usually get it wrong, but I’m persistent, so I get there eventually, you know? And I have like a bunch of cards I got off other lowly executives, or likely imposters like myself, and I hand them out randomly hoping to score a golden ticket. And I have my wit, so I guess I can charm some of them, and I’ll be like, hey, is that an Armani? You know he’s gay, right? And some will frown, cause maybe they’re gay too, that’s why I usually try to make it sound ambivalent, like it might be derogatory or it might be like, Gay Power bro. You know, I’m not one of you but I’m right there on the balcony cheering for you dude, cause the more you dig male anus the more I can score real sex. So that sort of opens the door, even if in a bad way, and lets me put my foot there and sorta casually mention this hot screenplay I’ve been toying with, but I don’t know if I want Bruce Willis or Anthony Hopkins for lead, cause they’re both busting my balls to get it. And I’ll go on to explain the premise, but, I don’t know, I guess I’m not as good a pitcher as I am a writer, or maybe I’m just too wasted and they’re all like, what the fuck are you talking about? who the fuck are you? How did you get in? leave my freakin’ five thousand dollars suit you little fuck, and then security is on my ass, and I try to catch a sandwich or two while I’m dragged out, and then I’m on my own again.

So not a bad outcome altogether. You know, my idea is out there, it’s floating, and next time I mention it to someone it might sound sort of familiar and I might not get punched in the gut and have hidden egg salad smeared on my good shirt.

You gotta have faith, like some singer once said, though I’m told he was gay too.

Have a good week.

Josh.