The Premise
I am currently working on a screenplay for a feature film. Here is the premise: a female executive named Claire, 34 years old and hopelessly single, wakes up one morning to find out she has become a dog. This will serve as the main metaphor for the film, as it alludes to the notion, held by anyone who knows her, that she is a bitch. Also this will resonate to a co-worker calling her behind her back a dog in the prologue, referring to her looks, which are, aesthetically speaking, less than satisfactory to her or her co-workers. So, she goes to work, quite upset of course. Her co-workers make fun of her, make her beg for bits of their lunch and try to sniff her butt. She feels horrible. So, plot A will deal with her trying to come to terms with being a dog in a society that accepts only humans at executive positions, and of course trying to reverse the situation, learning valuable lessons along the way. And plot B will be a love story between Claire and a Cocker Spaniel named Barf, which will rouse some tension around issues of inter-racial love stories and the price of true love. Of course, eventually love beats all, and when she turns back into a human with the help of an Afro-American Reiki master, she adopts the Cocker Spaniel, much to the disapproval of the dog’s previous owner. They have no other option but to elope and live happily ever after in the only place that accepts the freaky disgusting perverts they have become: Europe. The end.
So, you might not have noticed ’cause I made it seem kinda seamless, but there are some plot issues I have yet to resolve. For instance: why has Claire become a dog? Is it because of some spell cast on her by Danni De-Vito (played by himself hopefully)? Or a genetic mutation perhaps, the tragic result of a failed lab experiment, like the one that made the Hulk or George Bush. Or perhaps it just remains unexplained, sort of a power of nature, a thing that just happens, like rain, or farting. Also, what sort of character should Claire be? Of course, it is stated she is not pretty, but is she unpretty in a boyish sort of Ellen DeGeneres way, or in a big boobs sort of way, like John Goodman? Or perhaps she really is a freak, like a Hermaphrodite or maybe one breast sort of hangs lower than the other, thus suggesting an asymmetry of the soul and alluding to a self esteem issue, which has made her the begrudging whining workaholic ball-busting-shemale that she has become. I don’t know, I really don’t, and I would appreciate any ideas on the matter that any of you out there might have.
So feel free to state your two cents on the matter, though for legal reasons I must state that I will not be sharing profits from this or any other screenplay contemplated here, even if your ideas turn out to be much better than mine and contribute towards more than 50 percent of the end product. Even then. And remember, this feature film is totally copyrighted by me, so it would really suck cock if anyone tried to steal my ideas and make them into a Hollywood blockbuster, in which case I will totally have to come after you and punch you in the goddamn scrotum.
Cheers.
Since no one else is here yet to comment, i would like to comment and say that you suck.
Love, Josh.
I appreciate the constructive criticism. Here is some for you: Get a life. Then lose it, painfully.
I totally agree with your second constructive comment and would like to suggest a name for the film: “Run, Spot! Run!” (or perhaps “Run, fart, run”?)
Thank you Simon for replying here without having to be me. and thanks for the idea, but I’m afraid people might confuse my film with a film that has a similar name, called “Run, Lola, run!” which was German I believe, or some other silly foreign language, and i cannot recall if there was any nudity in it so I’m not sure I recommend it or would like to associate my creation with it. But thanks!
Actually I AM you, you’re just not aware of it.
How about “Reservoir Mut”?
Hi there Josh. I like the way you think, but I gotta say, Woman turns into dog? We’ve seen that in a million movies. Show me one movie where a woman doesn’t turn into a dog!
What hasn’t been done is a woman turn into a hamster. That gives a whole new edge to this movie. I mean think of the woman/hamster running in her wheel in the cage. How symbolic is that?
Another great idea I have is woman turns into very very very tiny insect. That will save you a lot of money with the the special effects and dog training.
If you can get Danny De Vito, why not have the woman turn into Danny De Vito? That will be one scary movie…
Good luck.
Well I’ve never seen a film where a woman turns into a dog, and the idea of turning into Danny De Vito sort of lacks the metaphoric depth that exists in the woman turns into dog scenario. and it is the metaphoric depth that gives the whole idea that certain artistic aura that might appeal to Europeans, so I can expand my market.
But thanks for your thoughts.
If you wish this movie to make any money, you can’t make her really ugly. Her friends can call her a dog even if she’s pretty. For Americans smart = ugly, so you can just make her smart.
Or you can take a famous gorgeous actress and make her ugly with make up and hair like Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich.
That is a good idea. I mean, casting ugly actresses has become sort of obsolete in the CGI era. What is the point of casting Sarah Jessica Parker for anything at all?
hey josh,
i think yer idea is pretty good, i mean, i’d definitely shell out a few bucks to catch that one in a theater. but who’d you have in mind fer the lead role? lookin forward to seein how this develops. also, i was wondering whether there are any indie films you might have made in the past that i should google.
I have not technically made officially any films that are googleable. There was this blooper film on Youtube of a friend of mine having a door slammed on his testicles by accident, but I think it’s been removed for legal reasons.
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